one step beyond logic

Fragile Tension

2010-02-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

It is funny how you lose faith in some things, then discover that your faith in other things are renewed.
There is always something keeping you connected, secure.
Some kind of anchor.

I am grateful for mine.

Dance With Me

2010-02-24T20:01:00.000-05:00

It is so easy to fall back into the same patterns, time and time again.

I'm doing it right now.

The Way It Used To Be

2010-02-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

I miss being 3.

I miss it so much it hurts.

Dear Universe,

Take me back to 1994.
And let me sleep in my old room tonight.
And let me wake up to the scent of freshly peeled peaches.
Keep me in an endless summer.

Rewind, rewind my life.
And loop the summer of 1994.

The Moment I Said It

2010-02-23T01:33:00.000-05:00

I was so focused on the act of jumping into the ocean that I forgot I would have to swim once I was in.

Crash

2010-02-22T01:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Universe,

We no longer share the same sense of humor.

Love,

Sarp

You've Got The Love

2010-02-17T00:55:00.000-05:00

And I fall in love with songs because they break my heart.

Love Story

2010-02-16T23:46:00.000-05:00

I have to remind myself to think inconvenient thoughts sometimes.

Devastated

2010-01-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

I feel like dancing again.

And I wouldn't mind some butterflies right now.

Pick Up the Phone

2010-01-23T16:48:00.000-05:00

Just because you're familiar, doesn't mean you can't surprise me now, does it?
In fact, I'm counting on you to surprise me, to convince me to stay.
Shatter my convictions again. Shock me.
I beg you.

Bleeding Heart

2010-01-22T17:57:00.000-05:00

It's crazy, the spell you had me under.

I hear the wind blowing outside, ready to sweep me up off my feet and take me places. Ready to make my head spin until gravity is no more than a memory and clouds are all I can see.

The funny part is, I no longer find it terrifying.

Natural High

2010-01-22T17:47:00.002-05:00

Re-tuned.

Hello

2010-01-08T20:35:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if it is better to have no expectations, but I had none and I had fun tonight.
*
I missed this - this feeling.
I feel good.
Good, without the biting of the lips, without the frowns.
On and on, the beat goes...

Hello

2010-01-08T10:28:00.000-05:00

Is it better to have no expectations?

Here With Me

2010-01-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

...But you don't exist yet. You're not real, and your features are only defined by my imagination.
I have not seen your smile, I have not heard your laugh, and I have not touched your skin.
We have never spoken, and it breaks my heart to think that you're out there somewhere, waiting.
Like me.

Black Panther

2010-01-01T08:52:00.000-05:00

Something pretty glows in the background as I listen to my favorite genre of music.

I've never really explained why I write here, have I?

It is my attempt at reconciling with me, by casting everything that I think, that I feel, out there, into the universe. Like casting stones into the sea - I don't always see the ripples, but it feels good to know that part of me exists outside of myself.

Keep This Fire Burning

2009-12-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

I look out the window, and the grey horizon is littered with domes, chimneys.
I can get used to this, I think.

I am happy here, and I can't help but wonder, what would have happened if I had stayed?

Would I be different?

What Else Is There?

2009-12-17T20:15:00.001-05:00

It feels good to dance again, by myself.

It feels good to be complete, and to smile fully.

The volume's all the way up, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Poker Face

2009-12-14T22:12:00.002-05:00

I can't keep breaking my own heart when you’re not brave enough to risk yours getting broken.

Chasing Cars

2009-12-01T22:47:00.002-05:00

Let's waste time, chasing cars around our heads.

You're My Disco

2009-11-20T15:54:00.002-05:00

Bad timing.

Bad Romance

2009-11-17T17:02:00.000-05:00

It's like watching a cruel documentary. The kind that makes you angry at National Geographic for not interfering.

Why do I feel as though I am the reporter?

Circus

2009-11-13T02:13:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned how much it hurts when you stare into my eyes and run your hands over other people's bodies?

Circus

2009-11-12T02:12:00.000-05:00

Back and forth, up and down.

I have no idea where we are now, come to think of it, but I like that we'll both be in costume tomorrow.

Like a circus.

Satellite Heart

2009-11-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

I don't really know, and it's a nice day outside. The sky is the right shade of blue.
I feel like putting on my ridiculous sunglasses, pushing play on my internal itunes and shutting the world out.

I want to feel the wind blow against my face, push my hair back. I even know what I want to wear, once I get out of bed.

Something is off, but it is a nice day outside.

Nothing the disco inside my head can't cure, right?

Dance in the Dark

2009-11-08T17:15:00.001-05:00

And the world didn't end.

Undisclosed Desires

2009-11-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

Am I playing hide and seek?

Are you playing too?

I Just Want To Make That Sad Boy Smile

2009-11-04T00:55:00.001-05:00

It's a fleeting feeling... like a snowflake tangled in your eyelashes, melting in violent liberation.

Beautiful and a perfect heart's length away.

My Broken Heart

2009-10-23T02:03:00.000-04:00

My two best friends turned 18, one today, one a month ago.
I missed both celebrations, and I miss them.

The flipside of growing up with people is that life doesn't let you sync up sometimes.

I'm always 7 hours and a continent too late.
I'm always 7 hours and a continent too late.

Europa

2009-10-09T00:42:00.000-04:00

I love a good song without lyrics.

Fine Print

2009-10-05T23:15:00.000-04:00

Running on empty, I'm learning new things at every mile mark. It's like swimming in the dark, thrilling, and almost terrifying.

Half Life

2009-09-30T17:09:00.000-04:00

I'm doing it again, and I understand Chocolate better now.
I miss the cold, bright lights, and the murky raindrops that used to brush against my skin. I miss inhaling the darkness that I knew would not give way to the stars.
I miss the rush of adrenaline, that small feeling of warmth somewhere in my abdomen. I miss the noise.
...

Touch Of My Hand

2009-09-19T19:47:00.000-04:00

You flash my favorite smile, and I don't even know your name.

Celebration

2009-09-14T00:10:00.000-04:00

It's a celebration.

And I just discovered that I am in love with every second of it.

Unusual You

2009-09-09T18:32:00.000-04:00

You got me all twisted and confused.
It's all new.

And I think I'm beginning to get used to it.

Happy

2009-09-04T01:52:00.001-04:00

Maybe I could fall,
Maybe I could fall apart.

The digital beeps vibrate in my ears, the wonderful glow dancing against my eyes. I missed this, so very much.
It's like a game, and I can picture the red, thick coating of my gameboy warm in my hands as my thumbs wait readily upon the A B buttons and the directional pad.

The small, pixellated greenish screen is the universe, and Tetris is the sun.

I miss playing, dancing, writing, feeling the corners of my lips curl into a smile as I realize I'm doing it again.
And I am. I'm doing it again.
Cue the electronic do re mi of the genius Russian who composed the Tetris soundtrack.
Let's play.

Bittersweet Faith

2009-08-16T19:35:00.001-04:00

We dance, slowly. It's like a game, and you know how much I hate it. How much it pains me, like forcing bits of broken glass into my skin.
I hate these games we play, and you play them anyway.
And, I keep clinging on to the stupid shred of hope that keeps winking at me, with brown eyes covered by long dark eyelashes.
I hate these games we play, and my bittersweet faith in you.
My bittersweet faith in this ending someday.

The Best Revenge

2009-07-02T14:43:00.000-04:00

Maybe I did forget what the question was.

On Top of the World

2009-04-26T14:17:00.001-04:00

Give me the bright lights. I want to dance, dance away everything I did and did not do. I want to dance away the summer, and the worries and the goodbyes that linger in the back of my head. I know this song, I know the beats, the chorus, and I want to sing it until I can't hear my own voice anymore.
With bright lights, and really good pop music, I want to dance.
I want to dance.
And feel on top of the world.

Follow The Cops Back Home

2009-03-16T17:59:00.001-04:00

Knowing that I convince myself into things, for some reason, doesn't lessen my conviction.

Snowflake

2009-03-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

I'm walking in tiny circles again.
Must it all happen so dreadfully slow, and painfully fast?
I want to be 3 again, to sleep and wake up to the scent of freshly peeled peaches and the warmth of a midsummer afternoon.
Is that too much to ask?
I'm walking in tiny circles again.

Hide and Seek

2009-03-01T15:14:00.000-05:00

We're floating, and the tide pulls us a bit closer to the sun drenched beach. The waves splash against our kiss, against us, and I smile as your lips suddenly taste of salt.

*

My feet make contact with the warm sand and a gentle breeze reminds me of my skin. A small shiver runs down my spine, and before it ends your arms enclose around my shoulders, a towel between us. I smile, then laugh.
It feels warmer, and I take the towel into my own hands, turning to face you.
Your eyes are alive with expectation, and the sense of vibrancy fills me too as I inhale the burning wind. The air tastes like satsuma, I think.
It's our last day together, and I don't care a bit.
I don't care a bit, and you hold my hand.
I don't care a bit.
I don't care a bit.

Love Profusion

2009-02-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

The clearing's vibrant, or rather, it seems so because of the wind. The fresh green grass sways gently, the sky a perfect blue, the sun wonderfully bright. I feel connected to something larger, greater, and then your thumb caresses the inside of my hand and I am reminded of my connection to you. I sigh, smile.
Clouds drift overhead, gentle, soft and slow.
I have lost my illusions, and I feel so peaceful now...
The wind brings with it the scent of earth, and I am in love with you and summer all over again.
I've got you, under my skin.

Off the Rail

2009-02-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

Something's missing, I think. Like salt, not necessary - but then again, it is.
The violins remind me that I am leaving, but I'm still here, and there are still countless hours, days and nights until August. Or so I like to think.
I've said this before, I think I had read it somewhere, or maybe I made it up:

The world begins, inevitable, towering and full of possibilities.

I'm off the rails now, running through an eternal meadow that sleeps in shades of gray. It begins to rain, or maybe it had been raining this entire time.
All I know is that I am free, and almost exactly at the place I want to be.
Ahh....
What is missing?

Track 13

2009-02-07T17:48:00.000-05:00

Like the nameless song stuck in my head, I float. It's an emergency response, an automated reaction to the extreme presence and proximity of reality. How quick life works, and how surprisingly great it can be...
Somedays I am certain that there exists a tapestry of meaning so simple that it is beyond my comprehension. Like the note Mi, my favorite note, simple in its existence and fundamental in the grand scheme of things. It starts the rain, starts the sunrise. In the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the meaning of the universe is 42. In the Matrix, it is given in a dialogue between a boy and Neo when the boy says: There is no spoon.
Simple, really. In a way that I can see sometimes, but it is difficult to grasp, like an image seen when one does not look at the painting itself.
Here's to not looking at the paintings, smiling, and enjoying life in all its simplicity. Here's to surprises, to cinnamon and to the note Mi.

Last this day

2009-02-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

I feel it in the back of my neck, this empty feeling of dread. It spreads slowly, coursing in my veins and I tremble with the knowledge of what is about to come.

It ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

How meaningful that quote is now, and how bitterly true. The sun's last rays hit us, and the shoreline is visible against the twilight. The mixture of purple and orange is brilliant, but I fail to appreciate the beauty of the sky as tears blur my vision. We're so very silent now, as the boat rocks back and forth. The sound of waves fill my ears, their splashes distracting but reality is there, in the salty taste of tears that stream down my cheeks.
For a bizarre moment, I am purely convinced that if we never make it ashore, if we halt the boat here, we won't end.
Then the sun finally sets, and sitting in the dark hue cast upon the wooden deck, I know it has ended, ended before I could blink.

Take Me Into Your Skin

2009-02-05T17:47:00.000-05:00

It's wonderful, the way the lights dim and turn up as the beats fade in and out. I find the synchronicity soothing. As the velvet curtains sway past my shoulders - and as I walk past them - the tune takes on a new turn, a dry electronic hum that reminds me of almonds. The salty burnt taste is simulated on my tongue as the vibrations become steadier, like seconds, only with longer intervals.
The darkness is comforting and my eyes are not searching for you, not darting from face to face in an attempt to find an anchor in this new, different place.
I am strangely at peace.
As if by cue, a hand - your hand - grasps mine in a strong yet casual manner.
Our fingers intertwine while I turn to face you, and I see your eyes, glittering as the lights softly glow into and out of existence in hidden niches.
Why am I feeling so good?

*

I drift to sleep next to you, our skins touching the way our hands were - comfortably.
I lick my lips, feeling the cracks on it, and the hint of salt.
I drift to sleep, listening to the distant thunder and the rain.
I drift to sleep while you take me into your skin.